Doubt.

I've never really openly struggled with doubt.  At least not in a major way.  Sure I doubted, internally, that I could be good at what I do during the summer.  But God took care of that.  Then I doubted that I was good enough to be a part of the OID when that was what I really, Really, REALLY wanted to be a part of.  But God took care of that.  I also doubted whether anyone would ever love me, in a real way (besides my parents of course!).  But God took care of that.  I doubted that I could ever be a leader in any way, shape or form.  But God took care of that.  Then came Mexicali; this was a really big doubt!  How could I, this Midwestern girl, go to a city where I didn't speak the language and still be able to communicate what Christ had done for me?  Words were my biggest ally!  I didn't think there was anything else.  But God took care of that.  He didn't miraculously give me the gift of tongues but he gave me love; the same love that He lavished on me when He sent his Son, he put into my heart to love the kids in Mexico.
(Hmmm....strangely enough there seems to be a pattern here!)

So now I come to something that I have been thinking and praying about for quite a while; full-time missions work.  From Mexicali, I found that I definitely have a huge heart for all kids but especially for the kids in Mexico!!  So being the bright student that I am I decided to do a little research!  I was doing research for a project for a class and stumbled onto some pictures and stories from Mexico.  I'll look into these, I thought to myself.  BaD idea!!  Of course the only thing newsworthy coming from Mexico is the incessant drug wars and the only pictures they have are of the destruction a few people have caused.  The more I read and the more I looked at the pictures, the bigger and bigger my doubt became.  It came to a point that all I really thought I could do was go home and lock my door!! 

But then I started thinking about my doubt and then my desire to serve Christ; the desire began to outweigh the doubt more than I could possibly imagine!!! I could sit back and hear God telling me "I've got your back and I'll give you the words to speak and the actions.  All I want is your willing heart!  Are you willing to let me use you?"  "Yes Lord" I answered.  Although my heart was willing, my doubts were still shadows around my heart.

Later I was listening to the internet radio and someone came on and said "You are far safer out in the world, in places like East Asia, or War-torn Africa, or Latin America doing God's will, then you will ever be at home outside of God's will"  It spoke volumes to me!  Even if I went and did nothing more than make one child's day happier for an hour, I will have done it serving the Lord and I will be a light to his world.  Even if I never get to go outside of the U.S. and all I pursue is this ministry, Street Corner Dance Crew, I will serve the Lord.

So my doubts have fled and my heart is willing Lord!!  Send me where you will and I will serve you with all my Midwestern heart <3

~For if we live we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord.  So then, whether we live or die we are the Lord's~ Romans 14:8